I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get away, …
Last night I had a dream – a nightmare. I was standing in a group of many beings, we were dressed in white clothes, in a huge hall similar to rooms in a castle or a cathedral church. Suddenly there was a danger or threat situation, the reason or detail of that danger was not specific, it was only that I/we knew that the threat was grave and serious – so, we as a group together started running away into the corner of the hall, accompanied by another beings on white horses also dressed in white clothes, who additionally surrounded and protected us and then we would start to move/dance in a circle, in a spiral formation, and as we would move/dance we would come closer and closer and closer together. The experience within me was overwhelming and extensive fear. I knew the movement/dancing and we did also sing or chant – was to protect us against the danger/threat. The experience of fear was so extensive, that I was not able to get over it, in terms of create that ‚Positivity‘ within and as me, that I was supposed to do. In addition to that, the closeness of the group – us coming closer and closer together – started to change and slowely to develope into narrowness, tightness and unbearable density. At a point where I could no longer bear the pressure – firstly the fear itself and secondly the density of the group – I was almost crushed – I escaped from the group – and the scene of my dream changed. Now I was laying on a bed, it was night and the room was completely dark. I briefly thought that I am not sleeping anymore, that I woke up, but it was not my room, so I knew I was still dreaming. The fear within me was still there. Laying on the bed in the darkness, I would experience the fear as ocean waves, coming and going – me trying to control that fear. I knew I am creating that fear, yet still not able to control or to stop it. Then I heard very soft sounds and saw shaddows moving and the fear grew and grew and so I completely lost control. I thought that an intruder was in the room and I was expecting the worst. I started crying and wanted to escape, but I couldn’t move or speak. At a point I was aware that I dreamt and I wanted to wake up, I heard myself whining or rather trying to make a sound, to say something, and to break through the veils of sleep. When I finally woke up, I was totally exhausted, but I knew that a point opened up for me, that I was missing in my writings in the previous days.
The fact that the origin of Love is Fear. The reason for my extensive Resistance to let go of Love/True Love is because Love was my Saviour and Protector from Fear/Danger. I was an extremly fearful being. I almost forgot how much I feared being alone in dark rooms. Only recently, since walking the Desteni-I-Process I can sleep without lights on. When experiencing fear I would always engage myself in positive thinking, and creating that ‚Positivity’/Love-Experience within and as me to overcome the Fear. So, I realize that all relationships that I have created and connected to Love were/are based on FEAR. For example my desire to be in a relationship with a guy/being loved/having a Love-Experience – it is in fact relationships that I only created to mute/overcome the FEAR within and as me, Fear of being alone, Fear of having no support, Fear of being left behind, Fear of rejection, Fear of danger, Fear of unsecurity, Fear of poverty, Fear of condamnation, Fear of social exclusion, Fear of helplessness, Fear of Loss, etc.
I realize that I was never equal-to and one-with that Fear. Clearly seen on me being not able to ‚control‘ that Fear. I would always experience Fear as an automated reaction, without seeing, realizing, understanding and remembering what Fear in fact IS and why and how I create it. Within that I realize that I have to embrace myself as that Fear and face the complete Darkness within and as me, to so stop the ocean waves of Fear within and as me and to so stop completely my self-definition and beliefs of Love/True Love/Love-Experience – – – deleting the Illusion of the Nightmare ‚LOVE‘ – once and for all.