I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express myself …
This post is a continuation from yesterday’s post Day 46 – WHO am I within and as LOVE? which is part of a series wherein I’m deconstructing my definitions, beliefs, perceptions within and as LOVE/True Love.
For further perspective read my Blog Desire and Need, wherein I’ve walked also my Desire to be in a Relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ’shame‘ within and as me, when I saw the diary of my friend, with all the kisses imprints in it, because I believed to ‚enter‘ her ‚privacy‘, her ’secret‘ ‚love-chamber‘.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that love is a mysterious ‚force‘, done in secret, based on my memories, and the ‚knowledge and information‘ that was presented to me as a child, with my parents never showing ‚love‘ openly, and adults speaking about ‚love/sex‚ in a specific ‚hidden‘ way.
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to believe that ’shame‘ is ‚who I am‘, not allowing myself to realize that there/HERE cannot be anything about the human/myself, our/my application, our/my living, our/my participation, that we/I ’should’/’could‘ be ashamed of, and that the very fact of ’shame‘ is an obvious evidence of separation within and as ourselves/myself, as we are/ I am allowing a ‚hidden‘ space to exist within and as ourselves/myself that we are/I am ‚ashamed‘ of.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to experience that mysterious force for myself, due to the fact that I perceived and judged it to be ’special‘, specifically when I saw other girls and boys and previously adults talking in a hidden and not direct way about love/sex, so I believed that within that mysterious force I could experience more of me as myself, to discover new ‚fields‘ so to speak, where I could have new experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was driven within and as energy, to expeirence the more of me as energy, as LOVE was presented to me as a ‚mysterious‘ energy-experience by other energy ‚addicts‘.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief, that LOVE is something that cannot be described or explained in a straight and ‚understandable‘ way, but had to be ‚experienced‘ for oneself to ’see‘ the ‚real‘ mysterious ‚power‘ of the force called Love.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that LOVE was/is NOT a ‚force‘ or ‚power‘ that ‚happens‘ to me, but a self-created manipulation through generating feelings and emotions within and as myself, a self-created drug-experience to preoccupy myself with and as a positive-energy-experience, and therefore consume myself as substance to generate energy. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that the ’source‘ of love is NOT a ‚mysterious alliance‘ between male and female, but a self-created experience based on the generation of feelings and emotions within and as my Mind only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that LOVE is REAL, and thus allowed myself to create a belief that there are humans/mostly males that manipulate that ‚real‘ ‚force‘ called LOVE to achieve their goals (sex), within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those beings as love-manipulators and as ’negative‘ and ‚bad‘.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief – based on my belief that LOVE is REAL and my judgment of love-manipulators – that there must be true-lovers, beings that truely believe in LOVE as a feeling that comes from the bottom of ones heart.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that the force called Love does in fact work the same way – in both of the cases – as love-manipulators and true-lovers – as a self-created manipulation through generation of feelings and emotions in order to create a positive-energy-experience within and as oneself and become in fact a (positive-)energy-addict – love-manipulators as the takers of ‚love/sex‘ – and the true-lovers as the givers‘ of ‚love/sex‘ – both Illusions – as one is in fact self-responsible for the feelings and emotions one generate within and as oneself’s Mind only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy within and as me, when I saw other (two) beings experiencing ‚love/relationship‘, without allowing myself to realize and understand, that the experience of Love – is NOT a REAL physical sharing and exploring, but an energetic charge generated within and as one’s Mind only, and therefore has nothing to do with two beings ‚exchanging‘ some sort of ‚mysterious force/power‘ but simply a mindfuck projected on another – energy-addicts validating and justifying their positive-energy-experience.
Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with having no ‚love-experience‘ – being a virgin – I will miss/ I am missing something – a ‚power‘ or ‚force‘ – within my life and within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed and brainwash myself (through allowing, accepting, participating and believing in my ‚Back-Chats‘) – to such an extend, that I prepared myself to be totally blind to my physical reality as my physical human body – and ‚forced‘ myself to have sex, within that I see and realize how the Mind is in fact a Rapist of the Physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience proud, coolness, superiority and power within and as me, when I for the first time had sex, without allowing myself to realize that non of it was in fact real, in terms of growth and expansion of myself as Life, but an energetic charge wherein I solely consumed myself as my physical body – and the sex was in fact NOT self-expansion, pleasure, self-expression or joy/self-joy – but rather self-rape and self-abuse – within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be taken for a ride, existing within and as energy – abdicating self-responsibility – and becomming blind to my physical realitity as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the character of ‚I can have loveless sex‘ – because I have identified myself accordingly to all the self-created feelings and emotions of power, proud, coolness, specialness, control etc., without allowing myself to realize how I prepared and programmed myself through memories (boys admiring girls who want also just loveless sex), inner conversations, thoughts and previously created judgments and beliefs into and as that character.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge girls, who do not want/ cannot have ‚loveless sex‘, because I judged them to be the victims of ‚love-manipulators‘.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to realize, how I’ve created a polarity-game out of Love: with love-manipulators as love takers and true-lovers as love givers, and fascinatingly enough judging male love-manipulators as ‚bad‘ and male ‚true-lovers‘ as ‚good‘ and in opposotion to that female love-manipulators as ‚good/smart‘ and female ‚true-lovers‘ as ‚bad/naive‘. Within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the LOVE-program is in fact a system – based on polarity shifts between negative/bad and positive/good – dependent on Energy and NOT Life expressing itself as Life in Oneness and Equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‚ugly‘ and not worthy of True-Love – defining True-Love as Love/Life being GIVEN to me – and within that not allowing myself to realize how I in fact sabotaged myself and did NOT give myself Love/Life and therefore separated myself from myself as Life – and so believing that I have to be (can be at least) a ‚love-manipulator‘ as Love/Life TAKER – to be fulfilled, satisfied, one and equal with myself/ to have that experience of LOVE as the MORE of me within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a boy/someone else/ not me, is responsible for the (positive-energy-)experience I am existing as, while being in the ’state of love‘, therefore I believed that I NEED another person, being, male to HAVE that experience. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself to such an extend, that I even prayed to Satan to make a guy fall in love with me – I was ready to sell my soul if only a guy I love would love me back – without realizing how I already sold my soul to the ‚mysterious force/power‘ called ‚True Love‘ – believing and perceiving it to be the fulfillment of all my needs and desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ‚knowledge and information‘ out of my beliefs, judgments, perceptions, memories in believing and thinking that I can ‚read‘ boys/males, in terms of seeing/knowing if a boy/male is a love-manipulator or true-lover.
Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character of ‚True-Love-Seeker‘, wherein I believed myself to ‚know‘ what True Love is, without allowing myself to realize that I in first place created the definition of True Love within and as myself, and that I would seek out in all ways possible to justify and validate my definition, no matter what.
In the next post I will have a deeper look into my definition of True Love, as it had determined all my relationships, and myself within and as those relationships, how I would live out Love in my practical application, which type of relationships I would create and manifest myself as.