My cat died. It was the first time I touched a dead body without fear. I realized …
What is LOVE? WHO am I within and as LOVE?
The first time, that I would think about Love was in school, I was about 15, first of my friends and classmates started having physical relationships and suddenly LOVE became a big topic in our lifes. I remember a day, when I would visit a friend and her diary was lying open on her bed, and I saw one page full of kisses made with lipstick imprints. I was shocked and felt like a intruder, and I wondered which boy was supposed to be the recipient of those kisses. So I learned that LOVE is a Mysterious Force between men and women and I developed a desire to have that mysterious boundary with a boy, but having self-definitions of being shy and clammed I never dared to really approach any boy I was interested in.
I had observed my friends and classmates how they would approach LOVE, how they developed their relationships, how they would become totally obssessed with Love, and changed their behavior. When I was 17/18 I would hang out with some boys, a boy that I ‚loved‘ but never dared to tell him what I ‚felt‘ would become a ‚friend‘, and while being with those boys I would observe how they deliberately used LOVE as an manipulation to get the girls to have sex with them, they would pick out the hottest, the Right, the One to get her into the state of LOVE – and they really admired girls who even didn’t want to be ‚loved‘ to have sex.
Within and as me the desire to have sex developed too. I felt awkward and was ashamed to be a virgin. But I judged this kind of Love that I would observe as ‚Manipulation‘ and so I created a belief that there must be pure love, True Love – one that is not based just on the desire to have sex – Love that comes from the bottom of one’s heart. But as I said I was ’shy‘ and I never dared to share myself and to really go for it to have an intimate relationships with a boy.
When I was 19 I decided to have sex and stop ‚waiting‘; I remember the day when I made this decision. I had immense Back-Chats, today I realize how I prepared myself, how I created a new character to be ready to have sex – that I would not wait for True Love and end my virginity with loveless sex. In May 1997 I had sex, with a friend of a friend of a friend, I didn’t know him well. I felt powerful and proud and cool and superior, because I had sex and gave a shit about ‚Love‘. Now I realize, it was but a self-dishonest protection-mechanism – I judged myself as ugly, and I thought that no boy ever would ‚love‘ me for who I really am/was. I deluded myself with a ‚realization‘ that boys would never say NO when it comes to Loveless Sex. I also judged girls who wanted to be ‚loved‘ at all costs and wanted their ‚first time‘ to be special with a special person. I judged them to become blind to the fact that boys lie and manipulate. So I decided to at least not ‚delude‘ myself with LOVE as Manipulation and have just (loveless) sex.
After that I had some 1-night-stands, but eventually I fell in love with a guy, without being aware of it! After we had sex he told me, that we should clearify that it’s just sex and I started crying, but said o.k., that I am totally fine with that. Obviously I was not. When I think about that time back, I feel ashamed, that I compromised myself so much, because I really desired that guy, I even prayed to Satan, that I would sell my soul to him, if only that guy would love me back. He never did. And after 2-3 months he dumped me and said that he was not ready for what I wanted – a consistent relationship. I felt betrayed because after 2 weeks or so, he met this girl and started a relationship with her. WTF!
I never realized that my perception and beliefs of true love is exactly the same as the manipulative love – maybe even more fucked up.
In the posts to come I will walk my Self-Forgiveness on my beliefs, perceptions, judgments, fears, characters that I have created in regards to my definitions within and as LOVE, specifically my definitioin of True Love, on Love as Manipulation, on the ‚I can have Sex without Love‚-Character, and the ‚True-Love-Seeker‚-Character; and also share my realisations and self-corrective-statements and self-commitment-statements.