I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for not being a …
I am here, at the desteni farm. It’s my third visit. Each time it is different, my dominant experience I have entering the space-time of those who walk, live and stand as Change.
This time I feel a constant vibration in my cells, my left eye is twitching, pains in my back, my neck, my legs and occasionally everywhere. I experience myself as shaky, jittery, restless and ‘not able’ to settle down, let go and entirely relax.
It’s actually the persistent experience I accept and allow myself to be and live as at home, but at home it’s ‘normal’. I am so in it, that I can pretend to not see it.
Here at the farm all my ‘survival-have-to-do’s are not present. I have conditioned myself to be and live within and as the survival mode, so that even not being within the survival entvironment – I continue. It’s like I have been a chained slave in the fields and now, having the chain lock open, I still continue to feel having to do something.
And the question is, are the chains real? Who is creating the chains? Who and where is the Master/Enslaver?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and as the Thought Pattern ‘I have to’ – randomly popping up as the Back-Chat: “What can I do?”, “I don’t know what to do”, “I should do something”, „I can’t just sit and do nothing“, etc.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am the creator of the chain, creating not even a ‘real’ chain, but the ’Emotion’ of ‘feeling’ chained and forced to do a ‘job’, as doing ‘something’ to survive.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it’s my own Self-Seperation as the Master/Mind and Slave/Self – and ‘I’ as the Master-Mind chain myself as the Flesh to generate some ‘Energy’ – to be able to ‘survive’ as the Mind-Consciousness-System.
From this perspective the visit on the farm is a challenge, there is no ‘Job’ for me here. I do not have to so ‘something’ to be provided with what I need to survive. I am able to face myself as the self-conditioned and self-created ‘Slave’ – I have to, my only Job is to face myself lol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my Existence of and as a ‘Slave’, because of so many reasons: I have to pay my bills, my flat, my car, my food, I have to ‘work’ for me to be able to live, ‘I have to sell myself in order to survive’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding that what I ‘have to do’ does not determine what and that ‘I have to feel’ a certain way about it. And that those ‘Feelings’ and ‘Emotions’ and my self-identification within and as them, are in fact not the Outcome/Consequence, but the hidden Motivators and Creators of Who I have become – a Slave.
Eventually there will be something I can do/contribute on the farm. Will I continue to do so as a ‘Slave’? Or will I change?
I see, realize and understand that facing myself as the perfect Slave will be a challenge. I have to face the fact, that the actual Enslavement starts within me. There is no other being or reason or God to be blamed for that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a Slave.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for someone to tell me what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for someone who will show me the direction.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the very reason I ‘feel’ as a Slave is NOT the consequence of having created an Existence of Enslavement, having to do certain things to survive, we all do, it’s a fact – I have to eat for instance, is it supportive to have an emotional experience about it? Like thinking “Oh no! I must eat, I am not free, because I have to eat, I feel miserable and powerless about it.” etc – I ‘feel’ like a Slave, because I can remain within and as my comfort zone of not being responsible for myself, my life and my creation.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the Power behind the ‘I have to’ is in fact the Statement of ‘I don’t want to be Self-Responsible’ – the Force is not external, I am in fact creating myself in every single Breath.
I commit myself to utilize the Environment of Support and Living Conditions of and on the desteni farm to face myself and to correct myself as the Emotional Experience of being a Slave.
I commit myself to stop – whenever I see and become aware of thinking “I have to…” or the opposite of it as ‘I don’t know what (I have) to do” – to breathe and to let go of the Slave-Mentality, as I see, realize and understand that it is in fact a ‘Mentality’ – an Experience within and as my Mind – I dare to walk One Step at a time, and step after step, breath after breath, walk here as Life, and do what needs to be done as what’s best for all.
I see, realize and understand that Change as what’s Best for All will never emerge within the Mentality of a Slave. A Slave does not consider Self as the Power Source. A Slave is not self-responsible. Slaves do not want to face their own Acceptance and Allowence as the actual Power behind the Enslavement-System.
I commit myself to be gentle as I see, realize and understand, that atm I am not ‘free’, I never walked, moved and directed myself absolutely, I have to learn how to move within and as Breath of Life. Atm any ‘force’ of ‘I have to’ will draw me back in my pattern, and so for the day I let go of any Thoughts or Ponderings of ‘looking for’ something to do – today I will practise walking one breath at a time, breathe in and breathe out, release the energies, allow myself and my body to relax and settle down and enjoy.