In October 2012, when I was for the first time at the Desteni-Farm, I once …
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Day 416 | The Mimosa-Character – 1
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to express myself freely because of the fear of Judgment and Rejection.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to express myself freely when I notice that someone is judging or reacting to my expression in a negative way, and I start to take this judgment or reaction personally.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to realize how I start to participate in a Mind-game – someone reacting to me, and me then ‘answering’ with/as my reaction – whereas both of us do not self-honestly investigate our reactions and the fears/judgments behind it, but just (re)act upon that what is emerging within/as our Conscious Minds/Thoughts/Back-Chat, and so in fact never grow and expand our Being but only evolve as Characters.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the Mind-game itself, and always keeping my Mind as my protection to be ready to defend myself as a Mind-Consciousness-System, not allowing myself to see, realize and understand how I feed off my own fears, and ‘help’ others to feed off their fears.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to realize how I have copied, integrated and lived out the Patterns that I was exposed to as a Child – my mother reacting to her ‘disobedient’ child, and how I felt and reacted towards her – and how I am repeating this Pattern in my adult years over and over again, each time I trigger my self-created ‘Mimosa-Character’.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to realize how I have conditioned myself to be and become a Mimosa plant within and as my Mind, actually reacting to my own fears, which I had integrated through repetition in childhood, so that today they/ or rather ME within/as them activate fully automated as the Mimosa-Character, sometimes even without having an ‘external’ event taking place, and only to my own Mind-Illusions, for instance when I talk with a Being that is NOT judging nor rejecting me, and I still am full of fear of expressing myself freely.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to accept and embrace my own fears, and so to firstly stand equal and one as myself, in order to get to a position to be able to change myself within and as them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and reject myself, basically fear myself when I am in social interactions: I fear myself ‘acting out’, be ‘strange’, behave ‘abnormal’, be ‘too loud’, be ‘too expressive’, be ‘too much’.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am basically taking personally what is emerging within and as my own Mind, and not so much the reactions of others.
I see, realize and understand that my social fear is in fact myself fearing myself ‘acting out’, be ‘strange’, behave ‘abnormal’, be ‘too loud’, be ‘too expressive’, be ‘too much’ and that I project my own fears onto others as perceived Judgment and Rejection — It is actually me judging myself and then rejecting myself as this Judgment, me believing the Judgment is true and real.
I see, realize und understand the defend and protection mechanism behind my ‘Mimosa-Character’, which is in fact a ‘Social-Fear’-Character – and a genius Mind-Program to keep myself forever more within and as Mind-Patterns of the Fear of Self.
I commit myself to accept and embrace myself even if I get nervous and anxious when I talk to people. Those are the Patterns that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, and I will face them in accepting and embracing them as myself – within this realizations I commit to support myself unconditionally in social interactions, because I see, realize and understand that the core of the ‘Mimosa-Chracter’ is the lack of Self-Acceptance, whereas I am reacting to my own fears within/as the Mind-Consciousness-System, instead of simply looking at it for what it really is – my own Judgment and Rejection.
I commit myself to not fear my own fears, and start to push and to utilize moments, where I am nervous and anxious as the Potentials of actual Change, where I am able to push in real-time-moments to so prevent future ‚reactions‘.
I see, realize and understand that it is my own Judgment that is creating the Rejection, may I experience it from the without, there is in fact no EXTERNAL things ‘happening’ to me, the Experience is always WITHIN ME and it is completely unnecessary, unhealthy and damaging to fear myself – as the ‘Mimosa-Character’ is clearly illustrating.
To be continued...