I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express myself …
Yesterday I visited the spine-event ‘Total regeneration of the spine’ – a therapy group coatching according to Angie Holzschuh. I highly recommend it if you have any form of chronic spinal, neck, or back pains, you can check it out on finally-painfree.com. As I am walking with the Desteni Group I always cross-reference all of my experiences with what I have learned along my Process, in other words I apply myself within and as Process in anything I do, think, speak, express, share or live.
So as the therapist was working on my spine, on the thoracic vertebrae, it was at the height of my heart, it must have been between my sixth and eighth thoracic vertebrae, I felt a very specific pain. This pain was not just plain pain, there was an Emotion attached to it. Within and as this pain I felt rejected, ashamed, affected, dismissed, unaccepted, unloved, etc.
I know this Emotion quite well, so far I have called it the ‘disturbing’ factor in me. As a child I was very expressive, and demanding much attention, sometimes my mother would react and tell me to be quiet or calm down, don’t do this or that, basically stop myself.
As an adult I access this Energy also a lot, whenever for instance my partner is annoyed with me, or doesn’t has time, when I want to tell him something. But also in situations, where I kind of freely express myself and at some moment I notice that someone is judging me, or finds stupid what I do.
I noticed this pattern firstly as ‘me disturbing the others’, or ‘the fear of disturbing others’, but now I have accessed a new, deeper dimension of it, it’s not so much about the others, it’s about me, how and who I am with people, that seemingly ‘don’t like the way I am’, it’s my defence and protection mechanism.
And so I will rename this pattern to ‘The Mimosa-Character’. The leaves of the plant mimosa close very quick under various stimuli, such as touching, warming, blowing, or shaking. So do I, whenever I perceive someone to ‘stimulate’ my Mimosa-Character I take it very personally, and in a way shut down completely.
To be continued…