Day 414 | Dead End

28. September 2016

My cat died. It was the first time I touched a dead body without fear. I realized that I used my cat’s health condition to justify my own misery. I was looking at her and thinking “I can’t do anything” – because I have not been able to save her from death, from her suffering and ending. And yes all of it is true. If I could I would let her live. But it’s not my decision.

It was a hard lesson. It showed me a pattern about myself, the pattern of how I live the words Sadness and Depression within and as the Energy of Hopelessness and Powerlessness. Within and as this energetic experience I was stuck within the Idea of a Dead-End. I only saw what “I can’t do”. Losing site of everything that I am able to do.

Within and as this realilzation I supported my cat as I was able to. I was doing all I was able to do. Until the end when we – my partner and me – decided to put her down.

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Why do I not support myself as I did with my cat?

Why do I allow myself to fall each time I become depressed and feel powerless?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word sadness within and as powerlessness as an energetic charge forcing my physical body into rigitity and feeling heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with what I think, “I can’t do anything” – and not allow myself to see, realize and understand how my physical body changes and becomes rigit and I generate the energy of heaviness within my solar plexus that crawls up my throat and slings around my neck, immobilizing myself within and the words of “I can’t do anything” – me becoming and living these words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thought that “I can’t do anything”, not seeing, realizing that it’s me telling myself to actually act ‘dead’ and become stuck within and as my own Idea of a Dead-End, a point without a Door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I am the only Door I am able to create for and as myself, and that there is no other Doors.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to realize that I choose what I see, and that what I choose to see is not everything I am able to see.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to realize that if I choose to only see what “I can’t do” – I will be stuck – self-chosen.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to realize how I create my life/life-experience through and as the words I live — how I define them and attach energies to those words, feelings and emotions, not seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no situation/circumstance/event/other being, that makes me feel/experience this or that, but that it is always my decision based on what I chose.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to realize that I am not truely sad/depressed/powerless because of external reasons, but because in some hidden dimensions of myself I chose it deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprison myself within and as the energetic experience of Hopelessness and Powerlessness and so create a self-chosen Dead-End within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my own creation in self-pity and self-victimisation and so create another useless layer of self-deception, like I was not responsible for what I create/experience/live.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to realize that I chose the Dead End because I want not to change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and not allowed myself to realize the extent of separation within and as me, where there is a hidden part of/as me, sabotaging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the part of and as me, that sabotages myself, and so create myself as layers of conscioussness – conscious, subconsious and unconscious – so that I live in my own self-chosen and self-created Illusion, that in fact becomes what I stand equal as – a Dead-End – a death cycle each time I allow myself to fall, become depressed and hopeless.

 

I commit myself to support myself through shifting my focus from what “I can’t do” to “do what I am able to do”.

I see, realize and understand, that moments where I believe myself to be in a hopeless/depressed position, are the manifested consequence of my own participation in back-chats/words within and as an energy experience of the Idea of a Dead-End.

I commit myself to investigate all of my Dead-End experiences, and expose them as what they are – my ‘not working’ decisions of hiding – not wanting to take Responsibility for myself and my own creation.

I commit myself to have the courage to stand and not allow myself to fall when a situation/circumstance/event emerges that seems to me a Dead End – I see, realize and understand, that it is the way I used to look at this world from an external perspective, neglecting, ignoring and hiding my Responsibility/Ability to DO and perverting it to “I can’t do” – instead I chose to reverse it inside myself, and change my position/myself in how and what I chose to see: I am focusing not on what I can’t do, I am investigating, researching, learning, expanding my awereness, my abilities, my skills to create and manifest the doors that must be created and manifested for me to move beyond my own self-created Imprisonment.

 

RIP Fee.

 

 



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