I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for not being a …
This is a continuation to my previous blog: Day 405 – To be or not to be a German
When I look at the reactions I experienced during the small talk I had with those people, first thing that comes up is that I am already reacting to the word ‘german’ itself. Those conversations had it in common, the word ‘german’ was used quite often, as we talked about the current situation in Germany. So when I look at the words that was used, the word ‘german’ stands out for me, it’s the word that moves me the most within myself – just speaking the word out loud creates kind of a conflictual movement within me.
The question would then be – why? Why does the word ‘german’ moves me the way it does? What does ‘german’ mean to me? Who am I within and as the word ‘german’?
I never established my relationship with this word in awareness, my reactions are based on my past, the first time I came across the word ‘german’ is already in Poland as a child, and then later I had my first experiences living in this country.
As a child Germany played quite a role in my life. The parents of my mother were germans, that after the WW II decided to stay in Silesia, that became polish. My mother spoke a mixture of silesian german and polish with them. But also the mother of my father was a (prussian) german. So technically speaking I really am for the most part german. Which again makes me right now – writing this out – to react – lol.
I was born in Poland in 1977, when the geman history officially seemed to be forgotten. One of the first things I learned at school was a short poem:
[toggle title=“Kto Ty jesteś? (Who are you?)
Polak mały. (A young Pole)
Jaki znak twój? (What is your sign?)
Orzeł biały (The white eagle)
Gdzie ty mieszkasz? (Where do you live?)
Między swemi (Amongst my people)
W jakim kraju? (In what country?)
W polskiej ziemi. (On Polish soil.)
Czem ta ziemia? (What is that soil?)
Mą Ojczyzną. (My fatherland.)
Czem zdobyta? (How was it gained?)
Krwią i blizną. (Through blood and scars.)
Czy ją kochasz? (Do you love it?)
Kocham szczerze. (I love her sincerely.)
A w co wierzysz? (And in what do you believe?)
W Polskę wierzę! (I believe in Poland!)
Coś ty dla niej? (What are you to her?)
Wdzięczne dziecię. (A grateful child.)
Coś jej winien? (What do you owe her?)
Oddać życie. (The sacrifice of my life.)[/toggle]
So at school I experienced myself as polish, complete and fitting in. I did not speak german at the time, I was a proud little Pole. But sometimes within my family it was pointed out to me, that I am actually someone else – not polish, but german.
WOW – writing this out – real time – I realize that my reactions, that I am experiencing right now in my daily life are really some memories popping up – and it is really the conflict I have created in my past as a child, that I am repeating and going through over and over again. And that it really has nothing to do with the people I spoke and talk with, nor the situation in Germany/Europe nowadays.
It’s the conflictual relationship that I created within and as myself, not ‘knowing’ who I really am – german or polish? German or polish obviously being a polarity of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ depending on the obsever’s perspective. And me switching between the worlds, but always existing within the desire to be the ‘good’ one, to feel complete and fitting in.
Wow – this is getting interesting – let’s continue in the next Blog!