I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a drama/emotional turmoil, …
Some days ago a Being from the Desteni Group shared that he is going to pause his Process for a while, and as I was reading the email I realised that I am not as ‘unique’ as we all sometimes assume, because I’ve gone through a similar point, yet I didn’t share.
I was stuck in my Process for two years. I was stuck within a point that I was walking real time in my life, and also simultaneously working with and walking in my Course. I couldn’t find a solution, I didn’t see a way out. Eventually my actual application diminished over time, the Writing didn’t open up, and at some point I gave up to support myself consistently with Writing and Self-Forgiveness and so the Point evolved into many Points as it continued to accumulate. I still wrote a blog from time to time, I still continued to participate, but it became ‘normal’ to me, that I am stuck and that I stopped effectively walking my DIP.
And no, Life doesn’t stop, just because we feel so. Life continues. Points continue. They grow and grow, and if one stops to take care and direct, it simply grows ‘out of hand’. Eventually I felt totally overwhelmed and stressed out and unable to handle it.
My dominant thoughts/back-chat was ‘it’s unmakable, chaotic, multi-layered’ / ‘I will never be able to transcend this point’ / ‘I don’t find any solution’ / ‘my process doesn’t move’ / ‘I don’t move’ / ‘I am stuck’ – and there I was missing the whole Point! I have created a Layer of Stuckness around the initial Point, so how could I ever walk the Point effectively, while actually within/as my Mind participating and busy creating this huge WALL right in front of myself.
It’s not unique at all, that in Moments like this – our Mind comes up with the ‘simple’ Fake-Solution to give up. Systems operate like this, an ERROR and they shut down, they’re pre-programmed to do so.
What I realised is that it was never about the Point itself — I am not saying, that I don’t have to walk the Point as specifically as I am able to – but my Starting Point was biased – I was stuck because I believed I’m stuck. I was always moving from within this belief that I am stuck. I’ve realized that a Point is not the ‘Center’ of my Process, but the ‘WHO I AM’ within a Point.
My wake-up call was interestingly enough the Thought/Back-Chat about giving up the DIP. After 2 years of feeling / being stuck, I thought it doesn’t make a sence to continue. It’s virtually bizarre how justifed this Thought/Back-Chat appeared to me. It was the easieast to project my Stuckness onto Process, as though stopping the DIP would resolve my Stuckness — really ???
Other Thoughts/Back-Chat that I had was, that I am participating in way too many things, I am disrupted, occupied, fragmented in too many projects — and that this ‘fact’ is the origin of my chaotic situation. I had a deep desire to simplify my Life. Cutting out all the stuff that I considered as ‘too much’. But again, with applying Radical Self-Honesty, I realised that it was again just a Projection – a systematic mechanism – to blame the Things around me, instead of looking firstly what’s right HERE – into me – WHO AM I ??? – who am I within this moment ???
My Rescue was a decision that I made some years ago, that I will walk this Process absolute until it’s done whatever it takes. And so the Moment the Thought of giving up DIP arised, it was also the Moment where I stood up, because this was NOT who I decided to be and to live. I do NOT accept this Thought, I do NOT accept this Thought to be the WHO I AM.
I again and again and AGA IN – I decided to continue walking this Process, at the end it is my Journey to Life, a Journey to my Self.
I am humble as I understand the position one is facing within such a Point of Decision – in a way it’s the same Point for all of us – we just have our unique view on it, our individual lifes and reasons, yet we all face the Question of ‘WHO I AM’ equally.
I am very delighted that the Being reconsidered his desicion to continue walking his Process. Thank you J. and ALL that walk & continue walking. We are here — together yet individual — walking, supporting and learning from each other.