I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for not being a …
In the past days I was looking at the bigger picture of the Pattern I was writing about in the Blog – Day 347 – You’re not good for me, but I still love you. It is a Mind-Pattern as how I have defined and so lived out within my Love-Relationships. It is a Cycle of Desire / Hope (Positivity) and Desperation / Hopelessness (Negativity). I was able to trace the Pattern to it’s origins – my childhood and see how I as a kid developed a (more general) Relationship to/towards and with the ‘External Reality’ based on Desire and how through time, through my participation within and as the MIND with the ‘External Reality’ I developed the Relationship further more to the Full Cycle that I am embodying today. My current ‘way’ of living out ‘Love-Relationships’ is the ‘Quintessence’ of this specific Process. In other words, this Journey started as a general Experience I had within and as the ‘Environment’ I was born into, and through time I have developed and specialized and limited it – as the Love-Relationship-Pattern I am living out and the kind of Love-Relationship I am creating today.
So, I was born into a ‘Reality of Lack’. Whatever was needed to be able to live/survive had to be ‘bought’ with Money. And the Resource ‘Money’ was very much limited. It had to be specifically directed and not wasted, in order to manage Life in way, that our Survival as a Familiy was ‘secured’.
As a kid I did not considered many things and considering everyone and everything as equal was not taught and not shown to me. What I learned is, that if I ‘want’ something – I have to ‘fight’ for it. I had to show my parents, that I really, really ‘need’ it. And so I learned to ‘desire’ and that I must be ‘convincing’ and ‘persistent’ in order to ‘get what I want’. What must be considered is also, that I grew up in a small village in a Socialist State and that the Variety of Goods was limited, for instance compared to the Western Economies. In the village we had like 10 small shops and no supermarket. And so there was not much ‘external’ things I ‘could’ desire. From time to time I found a toy or a candy I wanted. There was kind of a ‘balance’ in things I got and things I did not get. Sometimes my parents provided me with my Desires and sometimes not. To me it was a ‘mystery’. To me it seemed to be more dependent on the ‘Desire’ I was generating within me. If I ‘desired’ ‘enough’ – I mostly got it. Today I am able to see it more clearly. When I really wanted something, I did throw a tantrum until my mother gave in, it could take me some hours or even days.
When I was 11 years old we moved to Germany. The situation changed. The Supply and the Variety of Goods was compared to what I’ve experienced in Poland simply beyond my Imagination, I was overwhelmed by the Variety and Choice. My mother had to resettle and rebuild her/our Life from scratch. That means we had to buy literally everything, like furniture, equipments, utensils, clothing etc. It took many years to rebuild our ‘home’. In those years, in my early teens – my ‘desiring’ evolved into a new ‘version’.
With the seemingly endless variety of goods within the External, my Internal Desires grew and grew, BUT ONE thing did not change at all – the Resource = Money. ALL the Money we got, was directed towards rebuilding our New Life. Things like for instance trendy expensive Jeans was not financially feasible. I learned that even ‘desiring’ did not really help to ‘get’ things. And so I have connected the ‘Energy’ of ‘Desire’ to ‘Desperation’, because ‘I did not get anything I wanted’. Whenever a ‘Desire’ emerged within and as myself, I simultaneously ‘gave up’ and was ‘desperate’ – because ‘I knew’ I was not able to ‘fulfill’ my Desire.
And this is the most fascinating Realisation – I have automated myself as the MIND – during the years of ‘becoming an adult’ or ‘coming of age’ – I have automated this ‘Energy’ of ‘Desire’ and ‘Desperation’ as myself. So later, when my interest in boys and Sex developed – I used the very same ‘Energy’ – the Energy of ‘Desire’ – and because I have defined myself in Separation within and as the ‘Energy’ of ‘Desire’ and connected ‘Desire’ also to ‘Desperation’ – my Creation and the Outflow Consequence of my Creations as the Relationships – was quite fucked.
Imagine, whenever I was interested in a boy, I automatically generated lots of Desires – this was the way I believed I was able to ‘make’ the Relationship ‘real’, to manifest it within my Life sotospeak. Within the ‘Energy of Desire’ as how I have automated and defined it within and as myself, I have also embedded the ‘Energy of Desperation’. And so, as the Within – so the Without – I was desiring Relationships, that I somehow could never ‘get’, I was interested in boys, that were not interested in me, ASO.
And one would believe, that when I eventually ‘got’ the boy that I desired, that I would change. NO! I continued to ‘desire’ and ‘be desperate’. Even ‘having’ the boy – was not ‘enough’. The fully automated ‘Program of Lack’ was running perfectly by itself – within and as my MIND. The boy was ‘not good’, was not ‘loving me enough’, was not loving me the ‘right’ way, the Relationship was not ‘working out’ etc. I was ‘desperately’ hoping the Relationship to work/to manifest, until eventually I had to face the ‘evident truth’, that it will never work out, and my ‘dreams’ and ‘desires’ will not manifest.
For a long time I was not aware of myself as the ‘Program of Lack’ at all, even walking my Process. I still have justified myself as the MIND – the boy/my partner was this and that. I was still justifying my ‘Internal World’ / Mind-Processes, because of the ‘Facts’ I saw within the ‘External’. And NOW BOOM! I have realised that whatever I ‘see’ within the ‘External’ is simply mirrowing myself back to myself – as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – ‘The Automated Program of Lack’. My Creations/Relationships – are the Manifested Consequences of this Program. The ‘Failure’ of my Relationships was really pre-programmed. And I myself was the Creator of the Program, because I created mySelf as the Program = I was the Program.
And this Realisation is the best Part of it, because it allows me to re-create myself. To stop myself as the ‘Automated Program of Lack’ – searching and looking for ‘External Fulfillment’ and abusing myself as an ‘Energy-Generator’. Living directly within and as this Physical Existence, within and as a Physical Body – I am able to see what is really ‘real’, make decisions that are ‘real’ – not ‘desiring’ something/anything/someone within and as my Mind – but really CREATE it – physically. If I want a ‘working’ Relationship – I have to CREATE it and not wait for the ‘External’ to somehow magically ‘give’ it to me. I have to GIVE what I would like to RECEIVE. And to GIVE means to LIVE it – to BE it. I have to deconstruct myself as the ‘Program of Lack’ – and rebirth myself as the Self-Expression of Fulfillment. This is the only way I am able to create a functioning Relationship with someone or something else – because an ‘External Relationship’ is always reflecting myself back to myself – as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be – my ‘Internal Relationship’. If I create myself as the Expression of Fulfillment – I will live it out, share it and express it for real – one and equal with and as my partner or anything or anyone that IS already Part of this Living Physical Reality. For us to be able to realise, that there is an actual Fulfillment within and as ourselves within and as this Living Physical Reality, we must realise ourselves as it and stop ourselves as the Mind – the ‘Automated Program of Lack’. The LACK is the Illusion of Separation we create within and as our Minds. But ALL of me is definitelly HERE – there is NO LACK.