I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for not being a …
I became aware of quite an interesting pattern, that I was living out in all of my long term relationships. I would always engage with a guy, that I in someway considered as my ‘ideal partner’ or ‘the man that I was dreaming of’, but simultaneously I was always questioning and doubting the Relationship and my partner within it. It was never as ‘I wanted it’, my partner was ‘not good for me’ or ‘not as I imagined it’ – basically I have always found points within the Relationship and my partner that was ‘wrong’.
And this question opened up recently: How can it be, that I have two separate and totally contradictory ‘opinions’ about the relationship and my partner at the same time? How can be a partner/relationship ‘perfect’ and ‘wrong’ at the same time?
Looking closely at how I create the ‘opinions’, I have realised that both of them are ‘Illusions’, because both of them I create within and as my Mind. I was keeping myself throughout my life – within the ‘self-torture’ of ‘loving’ and ‘doubting’, ‘loving and doubting’, ‘loving and doubting’, over and over and over and over again.
How was I creating the ‘perfect love-experience’? I was literally dreaming – making-up and imagining all the fancy things that can happen between two people, inspired by movies, media, advertisement, pictures and stories etc. The Real Life – my actually existing relationship and my actually existing partner seemed never to match the ‘Idea’ – the Expectations and Hopes I have ‘prepared’ within my Mind. And it is shocking to me today, that I have never questioned the Mental Idea, but always questioned the Physical Facts, that led to all sorts of other Mental Ideas – as ‘Justifications’ and ‘Validations’ of: Why within and as my Mind – I was ‘right’.
I came to realise, that with literally losing myself within and as all the Mental Illusions, Opinions and Imaginations – I have no clue whatsoever, WHO my partner really is/was. I was so busy creating an Illusion and projecting it onto my partner, that I have totally missed to investigate and get to know the Real Being in front of me. I was so busy creating an ‘Idea’ about the Relationship, that I have totally missed the Physical Reality of the Relationship.
I was keeping myself preoccupied within and as a self-created Mental Hell. ‘Love’ was a burden to me. How else, because I was always ‘loving’ a ‘wrong’ Being. ‘Love’ was the War I was raging within my Mind – trying to somehow get it ‘work’, to somehow ‘fix’ the ‘wrong’, to somehow match the ‘Idea’. And I really wonder, how within this all – I could still hold onto the ‘Idea’ of my Partner being ‘perfect’? And still believe, that my ‘Thoughts’ are ‘logical’ and do make sence?
To get down myself back to Earth, to the Physical Reality – letting go of all the Mental Projections and clearing the fog – is the Process I am currently walking. Because obviously, what I was missing the most within it all – is myself.
What I find supporting and assisting is: to not allow and accept the automated pre-programmed thought-patterns in any way to ‘unfold’ in my Realtime Self-Application. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in, entertain or to investigate the pre-programmed thought-patterns within and as my Mind. Within it I came to observe, that the ‘positive’ stuff is more about ‘dreaming’ and ‘imagining’ and the ‘negative’ stuff is more a Back-Chat. Giving in and accepting and allowing any Mind-Process to unfold, creates at this stage ‘Energy’, which is simply ‘harder’ for me to see directly what is ‘real’. The only way to deal with the Mental-Processes is through Writing. So, whenever there is a Thought, a Imagination or a Back-Chat I stop it immediately, utilize Self-Forgiveness for accepting and allowing myself to fall for the ‘scam’ and ‘freeze’ it, to only get the ‘content’, the ‘Energy’ of it, for instance when it is something ‘new’ – because this seems to be a nice ‘catch’ of my mind, to make me believe, that there is a ‘new’ point, a ‘new’ perspective, a ‘new’ turn – I write it down, and only if I am moving myself as the Directive Principle and deciding to write – I allow myself to ‘unfold’ the Pattern/Point in Writing only.
Applying myself this way allowed me to realise, that none of my Relationships was ever ‘real’. None of my partners was ‘perfect’ nor ‘wrong’. I was existing in a completely separate ‘Reality’. I was never creating a Real Relationship, but always reacting to my very own ‘Illusions’ of ‘Love’ and ‘Doubt’ within and as my Mind.