I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shatter myself into myriad of characters, …
In this writing I want to specifically look at Reactions and the immediate Correction of it, in real spacetime. So today I was expecting to receive an Email. When I got back from a trip in the evening I checked my emails and : ta-da! I got NO email. I was a little bit tired from the trip and I really was aware of how I ‘used’ the physical tiredness to justify and ‘add’ some ‘Energy’ to it. Suddenly I felt like not being able to do anything and just going to sleep. I felt depressed, more tired and heavy.
I was quite aware of what I am actually doing – generating a ‘negative’ Experience, because apparently I did not get my ‘expected’ ‘positive’ Experience with receiving that Email. There was this Moment of Justification within me, it was very quick, like a quantum-time Back-Chat, I did not extensively talk to myself, it was more a quick decision making process. But writing it all out is quite interesting, because it is actually a lot of stuff, lots of words coming out.. The Justifications, Reasons and Validations, that came up was: “Oh NO! no email, I really can be depressed, I got no Answer. This Experience is real. I really have a Reason to be depressed. I can’t help me. It feels so real. I do not want to react. I want it to not bother me. I want to be free. But, I am enslaved to the Mind. The Mind has got Power over me. I am going to sleep it of. Today I am going to rest. It was a long day…. etc.
But then I got a Moment/Opportunity of Support. The Being that supported me, was not even intentionally assisting me. I was actually asked for Help. And so I simply stopped ‘thinking’ and ‘moved’ myself, despite of the ‘negative Experience’ I was participating in. And that is really really fascinating, the Moment I moved physically and stopped the participation within and as the Mind, all of my Experience diminished Breath by Breath. I was helping and focusing on what was needed to be done.
Obviously I will have to work through the Details of how and why I have created such an ‘Experience’ – in allowing myself to build up Expectations, that ended up in Disappointment and Depression – and script Self-Corrective Statements for me, to really transcend the Pattern and change my Application and my Life-Experience once and for all. But I got this Moment of Support, as a Gift and an Opportunity – where it was shown to me, that an ‘Energy Experience’ can never be justified or excused. All of it is simply never valid and never real. It also stands no chance to the actual physical reality. I mean, tonight I could have ended up earlier in bed – depressed and all ‘negative’. Why the f*ck should I ever again allow myself to live out/embody such a Stupidity? ‘Negativity’ is really the stupidest thing one can do onto oneself.