I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get away, …
This Blog is a Continuation of a Series:
Day 205 – Relationship-Support-Blog – Desire creates Consequence
Day 317 – Relationship-Support-Blog – Desire creates Consequence – Part 2
Day 318 – Facing Emotional Turmoil
My last Blog I ended off with:
“Within it, I also realized that all my Aspirations in Life to find ‘Happiness’ are basically the Search for a Possibility of Escape – escaping that ‘Infinite Unfulfillment’ – even if only for a moment. I’d do anything just to not to have to face and ‘feel’ this ‘Negativity’ and the ‘Despair’.”
Actually doing the Research, in terms of getting to know myself – what is really going on within myself as I ‘experience’ Emotional Turmoil – allowed myself to realise the Source of my Desire – The Ocean of ‘Infinite Unfulfillment’. Desire/desiring is the Mechanism to ‘achieve’ ‘Fulfillment’ or more accurately it is the FEAR of not being able to ‘achieve’ ‘Fulfillment’.
I have realised, that my Desires was the manifested evidence/consequence of my very own ‘Unfulfillment’. Desire creates Consequence, because Desire is already a Consequence. It is the Consequence of an accepted and allowed FEAR within oneself – The FEAR of not being able to fulfill SELF as SELF. Self is simply not enough. There must be a ‘more’, somewhere out there, where I can find the ‘more’. Mostly I saw the ‘more’ in other Beings. A Love-Relationship was my accepted and allowed Platform to ‘experience’ the ‘fake-more’ of myself.
The Love-Construct or the Desire-Construct was not designed to really ‘achieve’ any REAL ‘Fulfillment’. If it was, there wouldn’t be the Self-Separation-Process in first place. Self-Separation-Process meaning – where Self creates a Separation within and as oneself – as the Belief, that a real Self-Fulfillment does not exist, or even the Belief, that Self-Fulfillment is not real, that you have to go – somewhere out there – to find your Point of the (fake-real) Fulfillment. But we in fact don’t go anywhere, never, we are always busy creating our own ‘Unfulfillment’ – within and as our own Minds. Either way – we suppress Desires or we suppress ourselves to be able live out Desires – the only thing we are fulfilling is the System. We are using our Life-Substance, our Human Physical Body to create Mind-Energy – instead of expressing ourselves as Life as the Self-Fulfillment we in fact are. (Thanks to my Buddy for this Realisation!)
The Point that I have missed in writing and investigating my Desire nine months ago, was the Point of Suppression. Suppression is Part of my Programming. I was suppressing my Desires, and so ‘nurturing’ ‘my ‘Unfulfillment’- to a Point where I had ‘Back-Chats’ that “my Partner is not able to ‘fulfill’ me, and that I have to end the Relationship”. This is a very much predictable break-up – if your Partner is responsible for YOUR Fulfillment, sooner or later, you will break up and look for a new ‘Experience’ – as it is the Nature of Energy to only exist for so long. If your Fulfillment is an Illusion – and based on Energy-Experience – it will inevitably end. If you have any Desires towards your Partner – you are busy creating Consequence.
I will continue in my next post…