I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for not being a …
This Blog is a Continuation of a Series:
Day 205 – Relationship-Support-Blog – Desire creates Consequence
Day 317 – Relationship-Support-Blog – Desire creates Consequence – Part 2
My last Blog I ended off with:
“Some weeks ago, I had another Cycle of Emotional Turmoil. Throughout time I did not see the obvious ‘Connection’ to my Desire. The Emotional Turmoils occurred to me kind of out of Context. I accepted them as ‘The Human-Business as Usual’ – the Ups and Downs that make Life so much more interesting. But the ‘Downs’ were really excruciating, and walking my Process I came closer and closer to the ‘Negative’ and how I am creating it and participating within it within as my Mind. So, I bacame aware of how I suppress a lot of things, and so in fact Accumulate Energy, that eventually has to ‘find a way out’ and ‘discharge’. And as I slowed down within and as my daily Participation I saw that Suppressing my Desires, and Reactions within the very Love-Relationship I was walking and participating in – gave the most Energy.
The last time I had such an Emotional Turmoil. I did something I’ve never done before. This I will continue in my next Blog.”
I layed down in my bed and I decided to really explore what is going on within myself. First, I focused on my Physical Body. I started to be aware of millions of Cells. They were pulsing/vibrating. It was not a pleasant sensation. It felt ‘restless‘ and ‘uncomfortable’. It was like a form of ’nervousness‘ and ‘instability’, which vibrated within and throughout all of my Cells. I felt various Pain-Points within my Body. In my legs, in my back. They lasted for a variable period of time, mostly some seconds, and had a different intensity. I could zoom into certain parts of the body, and so feel each of the Pain-Points more clear. Then I moved my awareness to my head area, it was as if a power unit was in my head, as if my head would be a power unit itself. It made a very loud buzzing noise, which was extremely unpleasant. In the center of my Body, in the chest area, I felt a swirling motion. It was as if in the center of my Body there was an infinitely large ‘space’, which I want to name here an ‘Ocean’, because of the vastness and the cycling, waving motion within it. When I went/moved into this Ocean, I was immediately close to tears. Entering into these ’swirling movements‘ made me just feel so sad. I tried to describe this Experience in Words. What was this Ocean within me? The Words ‚Infinite Unfulfillment‘ was the exact description of this Experience. I stood in front of the Ocean of my ‚Infinite Unfulfillment‘. I could stand in front of it or go/move within it – a ‚behind‘ or ‘beyond’ was not there – that’s why I had the Experience of Infinity. It stretched out in all directions, it was endless. I realized that this Ocean was the Source and the Storage of all my ‚Negativity’. Whenever I ‘think’ of something ‚External ‚ as ‚Negative‘ – I project the Experience, that I have within and as this Ocean in the Depths of myself onto my ‘External World’. If someone tells me for instance, that his cat has died, it is not so that the actual death of any cat makes me feel sad. I access this ‘Negative Energy’ within myself, and then I generate within and as myself the Experience of Sadness. The ‘Sadness’ itself comes exclusively from within myself. And when I finally live out the ‘Sadness’ in my ‘External Reality’, in terms of I embody it completely – I generate more and more Energy that I can add to the Ocean. Within it, it also became clear how perfect the System in fact is. It gives us the ‚Spark‘ with which we can start an ‚Energy-Experience‘, but for the further ‘Production‘ we are really fully self-responsible, we DO it, we allow the System within and as us to exist. And this ‘Production’ is then ‘added’ to the System, further Layers are being created. The System is growing and growing. My ‘Ocean’ is growing and growing and growing …
I had quite a Resistance to actually move myself into this Ocean. The ‘Emotion’ that I had within and as it was so overwhelming that I could not bear it or wanted to bear it. It is this very ‘Experience’ I will sum up in Words: I felt the ‘Utmost Desparation’, it felt as if I had been torn apart, and therein exists also a Point, that there is ‘no help’, the point of ‘Extreme Loneliness’. There was only the Ocean and ‘Me’. And ‘I’ was completely ‘inferior’ to the Ocean. There was no way out.
Within it, I also realized that all my Aspirations in Life to find ‘Happiness’ are basically the Search for a Possibility of Escape – escaping that ‚Infinite Unfulfillment‘ – even if only for a moment. I’d do anything just to not to have to face and ‘feel’ this ‚Negativity‘ and the ‘Despair’.
This Blog is a Step by Step, Breath by Breath – Journey to Life, so stay tuned…