I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for not being a …
Continuation of Day 205 – Relationship-Support-Blog – Desire creates Consequence. I suggest to read this Blog first, if you haven’t done it so far.
I wrote this Blog 9 Months ago. Funny coincidence – it’s the exact time amount a baby needs to be created and born into this World. And I did not stick to my own Writing, I did not hear my own Warnings – and so I am now standing within The Consequence I have actually foreseen. Let me explain in Detail The Creation of Consequence in relation to Desire and how I have managed to create and born this ‘Baby’ into my World. And from there re-walk my Process within and as it – to eventually really correct it and prevent a next Time-Loop.
So, I was totally in ‘Love’. Being in Love meaning – Firstly I have captured within my Mind (and obviously stored within my Physical Body) an Image/Picture/Copy of a Real Being, based on this Image/Picture/Copy I have created a ‘Relationship’ within and as what we call ‘LOVE’ – within and as my MIND. It is really crucial to understand that the only ‘Connection’ that in fact exists, is a ‘Connection’ within and as our own Mind only. Within this ‘Connection’ I have embedded all kinds of stuff: Feelings, Emotions, Beliefs, Memories, Ideas, and above all – Desires.
The primary Nature of my Desire was – as I did now find out ‘Unfulfillment’. I wrote 9 Months ago “This specific Desire is Part of the Foundation of myself – The Belief that I can NOT stand Alone.” What basically means, that ‘I need another Being to fulfill me’.
My personal ‘Programming’ is really fascinating, because I do not directly express my Desires. I am a Master of Suppression, I suppress (among many other things) my Desires. And now, walking my Process, a lot more things are becoming clear. I mean, once you walk your Process with Dedication and you utilize Self-Writing and Self-Forgiveness – you start to see the ‘Programs’ not as they look like from the Outside, but how they look like from Within – as ‘Energy’. Like in the Movie ‘The Matrix’, where the people on the Ship Nebuchadnezzar watch the Matrix as the animated Symbols on the Screen. So my Desire and Suppression thereof and the Way I create and deal with Desire, makes a lot of sense. For me as a Human Organic Robot it was simply a very effective way to produce a LOT of Energy.
Because Suppression is nothing other than the Accumulation of Energy. And Desire is the very Point where I separate myself from myself, and create a Mind-Relationship of Separation within and as ‘Fulfillment’. So Love was the Experience I could create for and as myself using the Mechanism of ‘Projecting’ my very own Desire – my ‘Unfulfillment-Fulfillment’ Infinity-Cycle – onto another Being. And voilà – keeping that ‘Program’ alive, keeping that ‘System’ alive – I must feed on my actual Physical Substance – ‘Killing Me ever so Softly’ – And this is by the way an additional Consequence of any Participation within and as The Mind.
Some weeks ago, I had another Cycle of Emotional Turmoil. Throughout time I did not see the obvious ‘Connection’ to my Desire. The Emotional Turmoils occurred to me kind of out of Context. I accepted them as ‘The Human-Business as Usual’ – the Ups and Downs that make Life so much more interesting. But the ‘Downs’ were really excruciating, and walking my Process I came closer and closer to the ‘Negative’ and how I am creating it and participating within it. So, I bacame aware of how I suppress a lot of things, and so in fact Accumulate Energy, that eventually has to ‘find a way out’ and ‘discharge’. And as I slowed down within and as my daily Participation I saw that Suppressing my Desires, and Reactions within the very Love-Relationship I was walking and participating in – gave the most Energy.
The last time I had such an Emotional Turmoil I did something I’ve never done before. This I will continue in my next Blog.