I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express myself …
In this Blog I do a short break in my paranoia-series on ‘choice’ and ‘decision-making’ to support myself within facing familiy and stopping a particular patterning within and as the ‘familiy-game’. In the last months I have postponed my dip-assignment extensively, in which I am specifically facing another family-relationship-pattern which I have accepted and allowed myself to create, embody and so become. I have come to a point where I have realised that f*ck I have to face it, correct it and live it. Other way I will be stuck for ever! And within and as that realisation I commit myself to face myself as the familiy-patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to become — unconditionally — and support and assist myself to step out of the ‘family-character’.
And this particular point is quite fascinating, as it shows how I was in fact brainwashed as a child, how my physical was programmed, and how today I am totally sub & unconsciously reacting, without even ‘knowing’ or being aware of the small details, that are burried in the past, which are in fact not past at all, but became ‘ME’ — my physical-mind-relationship-merging-manifest.
So today I spent the whole day with a family member, which I normally do not very often, because I ‘know’ where it can lead. There is this big resistance to face my family in first place. And the very same resistance is causing my postponent. I do resist my family — BUT ‘my family’ is in fact the ‘I’ within and as the mind-relationships ‘I’ have accepted and allowed myself to become, so why the f*ck resist myself?
So, today I want to write about just one point: the word ‘Świnia’ / ‘Pig’. It is specifically the polish word. It’s interesting because in my day to day life, I do not speak often polish, only with my family. This word does not play any role in my current life. BUT when a family member says it — I react — and it ‘happens’ to me like ‘magic’, because I never paid attention to words and how they ‘move’ me.
The tricky thing in my case is, that the language I use today, is not the language I was taught to and speaking as a child, and so was in fact programmed with on the physical level. And so sometimes polish words arrive in my presence but it’s the past that’s being re-created.
I have realised how supportive and assisting this actually is, because those polish words, that I react extensively to, are sort of given to me on a golden platter. My reactions, my back-chats, my emotions and feelings, my Mind are so ‘visible’, ‘clear’ and ‘precise’ — that it should be actually easy for me to walk them.