I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for not being a …
When I was nearly 12, my mother packed 2 suitcases and said we are going on vacation. However, this holiday proved to be a never-ending Journey. In truth, we migrated to a new and different country – to Germany. In the months to come we moved from one city to the next, from one emigrant hostel to the next. I had fun, I did not have to go to school. In the last hostel we were then about a year, and that is where the fun stopped, I started with German lessons. After this time, lasting in all one and a half years, my mother found work and we moved to the next town, inour first ‚own‘ appartment, but it was too expensive and so the next followed quickly. 6 years later I moved out to study in a new and different city. For more than 15 years I am living in this city and I’m -almost-‚at home‘ here. In these years I have moved 4 times, got married to another Immigrant, conceived a child and got divorced. And the conditions of my current life is: I have 2 homes on 2 continents – none of which I regard as ‚at home‘ – and there’s also my „migration background“, and so no matter where I am – I’m always a Visitor.
And so I realise that my pre-programming of „Never being really at home“ is very very specific. I have to walk back and to re-look, research and investigate where I have separated myself from my SELF in defining the ‚WHO I AM‘ within and as those ‚Relationships of Self-Separation‘ – which I did in defining mySelf within External Things, Places, Locations, Countries, Cultures, Languages and even Religions – always looking for that something called ‚HOME‘ and never found ‚it‘.
Today I realise that my never-ending Journey was never-ending because what I was looking for is in fact mySELF, which I can NOT – commonsensically – find somewhere out there – not even within and as the MIND. Which means, that looking for a ‚Feeling‘ ‚at Home‘ is and will be in fact ’never-ending‘. I know, there are many claiming that they had find their ‚home‘ in some special and specific place, they were looking for their whole lifes, where they found peace and harmony. But – how can one claim this ‚being in peace and harmony’– ignoring the fact of millions of other Beings being homeless, on the run, fleeing from war and violence or poverty in their own countries. Isn’t it just a ‚Feeling‘ as a Protective Wall to separate oneself from all the havoc and chaos outside?
Because this is also a fact, my Mother wouldn’t had moved in first place, if she knew there is a ‚Future‘ and an Equal Right for her and her children to make a ‚good‘ living in the country she was born into.
And so I see, that my skills to adapt was an ‚evolutionary‘ step in my never-ending journey – never trust the External Environment, always ready to move, never settle down – and fascinatingly enough defining myself in Separation within all of that – and though creating that search for and the desire for a ‚HOME‘.
Within this I also realise that I have perfected my skills to adapt to such an extent, where I do not just adapt, I compromise myself – like there is no consideration of a SELF at all – and so my current life experience, the way I accept and allow myself to exist as – is a total self-compromise.
To correct and to realign myself – to stop all self-compromise and self-abuse will be a Journey though – as I see, realise and understand that my current ’state of being‘ is the consequence of all my acceptances and allowances throughout my life and so I have to correct and realign each point and each relationship that I have formed and created in Separation of myself back to Oneness and Equality as mySELF HERE.
Within this I also realise the extent of the PROBLEM – the current state of this World and Reality – because my Life is not unique – there are millions of other beings like me – we ALL are on the RUN – and it doesn’t matter if you leave your country or go to work – we constantly move due to FEAR to adapt and compromise ourselves simply because of the fact that we MUST SURVIVE – NOT realising that the System of Survival is a Belief-System – something that we’ve made up, created for ourselves as ourselves – WE ARE THE SYSTEM. It’s really time to stop that Bullsh*t and to start considering ourSELFs as Life and create a New System of Life – Join the Group and start your Journey to Life.
Additional: And so I see, WHY I have experienced myself sooo ‚at home‘ being on the Desteni Farm, though I was a real Visitor, being in my Room barely to only sleep. Because it is actually NOT about a specific place or room, it is about the WHO we accept and allow ourselves to exist as in each Breath – be HERE, live and express ourselves in Oneness and Equality with ALL – NOT forcing anyone into Survival but creating an Environment where each one is given space and time to take Responsibility for oneself, and to see and realise the greater Responsibility of taking care of ALL as oneself – to eventually create that kind of Environment for ALL – to really find Peace and Harmony – not as a Feeling but as Living Words and Examples of a New Era and a New System of Organizing and Expressing ourselves on the Planet Earth, where we are in fact – for a short lifetime – visitors.