I am here, at the desteni farm. It’s my third visit. Each time it is …
In the past days, weeks I am cycling within and as a Mind-Fuck-Pattern. Same back-chats, same pains, same emotions, same thoughts, same mind-fuck over and over and over again. And I still hold onto believing that it might ’somehow‘ work out, without me having to decide, that I am missing something, that I am waiting for the ‚right‘ moment, that there might be something I am not seeing or considering, or that the decision to be made is still not HERE. All the while not realising that I simply fear a ‚definitive answer‘.
So I am rather going through lots of reactions and emotional turmoils, accumulating tons of energies, because I simply can’t imagine how it would be ‚without‘. I could say ‚without‘ that ‚Thing‘, that ‚Outcome‘ or that ‚Being‘, but in fact it is about the Energies I am able to generate while keeping myself preoccupied with ’not deciding‘ – there is so much space for expectations, imaginations, dreams, hopes and desires – A ‚definitive answer‘ would mean to give up all of it.
I am experiencing that ‚Undecisiveness‘ literally as a ‚Veil‘. Everything seems to be boring and pale, there is like no Motivation to do whatsoever, I am stuck within and as ‚Waiting‘. Waiting for what? That there might be the ‚right‘ moment, a miraculous ‚All-Knowing‘, a Jinni that tells me what to do and how to decide?
Today I have royally sabotaged myself. I’ve missed a flight, because I could not find my passport. I was so preoccupied with my precious Mind-Fuck that I did not care about anything else. I knew that I did not know where it is, but I did nothing about it. I did not check in time, to so have still the time to apply for a new one.
And so the physical evidence of myself is here, that I am not able to move on, to move anyways, not even fly away – because of me being stuck within and as this ‚Undiciciveness‘ – which is basically the Accumulation of all the thinking/back-chatting pocesses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all the back-chats/thinking processes is ‚Who I am‘ – not realising how I create a separate ‚Entity‘ of ‚Undiciciveness‘ within as myself, that requires constant and continuous participation within and as the Mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise how postponing a decision – in validating and justifying my ‚Waiting‘ – I in fact create and manifest myself as this ‚Undeciciveness‘ as an Energy Accumulation in Separation of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that back-chatting/thinking processes will never ever lead to a ‚definitive answer‘ – a solution that is best for all – because that would mean to give up all the Energies, to find an Equilibrium, to find Peace.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise how I gave up my Self-Responsiblity and so my ‚Power‘ to direct myself, face myself, face the Decisions to be made here as myself – and how all the Validations and Justifications of ‚Why‘ I am not ‚ready‘ yet, the Situation is not ‚ready‘ yet – within and as my Mind took over – within that I realise that the Mind is always ‚ready‘.
I realise that the Process of Decision Making is NOT to be walked within and as the Mind – because I am the living proof of that it only leads to Mind-Fucks, more Back-Chats, more Emotional Turmoils, that only accumulate and even goes so far that I am experiencing is as a literal ‚Veil‘ – and so in fact disabling myself to make the actual Decision for ‚real‘.
I realise that the ‚Veil‘ I am currently experiencing as myself is the Consequence of my Acceptances and Allowances to postpone a Decision – it is the Manifest of all the Energies as Excuses/Fears to NOT face the Decision and the ‚definitive answer‘ as it.
I commit myself to face the consequence and to walk the Decision in Writing, Self-Forgivenss and Self-Corrective-Statements – I realise that Decision Making is a Process of Becoming the Directive Principle within and as myself, to place everything and everyone Here as myself and to find a way and a solution that is best for myself and best for all as myself.
I realise that Writing is the only way to place everything and everyone HERE, and to consider all of it equally as myself HERE – because the Mind does not work that way – each thought is kind of existing only in self-interest – I as the Mind am only able to think one thing at a time, and so able to consider only each thought’s self-interest – which is evedent in the way Decision Making within and as the Mind operates – it’s cleary a war going on in my Head – each Desire has it’s own Secret Agenda, each Expectation has it’s own Desire and each Desire is based on a individual Fear – And so on – And therefore it is no wonder that I have ‚chosen‘ to rest in ‚Undiciciveness‘ – which is anyway a form of Suppression and absolute Self-Dishonesty, because it does not mean that the War within me is not ongoing, I have accepted and allowed myself to completely got possessed within and as it, validating and justifying it as the apparent ‚there’s no other way‘, ‚I have to wait‘, ‚I have to get somehow through it‘ – not realising there is NO otherway – I have to Face the Decision, or I will eventually create more consequences, that will be of a much bigger impact on my life/myself than only missing a flight – Missing the opportunity to re-birth myself as Life HERE.