My cat died. It was the first time I touched a dead body without fear. I realized …
At the Moment I am facing my Desires – and specifically the deep-rooted Desire for a Relationship. And as I have realised – this specific Desire is Part of the Foundation of myself – The Belief that I can NOT stand Alone. And within that all other Beliefs as Self-Definitions as for instance that a Life without ‚Love‘ would be a very sad life, and boring, and basically that it’s not worth living. I already there would dishonestly manipulate myself to believe that I can’t live without ‚Love‘, when I actually don’t want to.
And why wouldn’t I want to live a ‚loveless‘ life? – Because of Fear. The Belief that I CANNOT stand Alone is in fact the Fear of Standing Alone. And so Desire is a Hidden Fear – a Master of Disguise. Dressing ‚Fear‘ in shiny clothes and pretending it to be ‚Love‘.
Adjusting the Statement „I can’t live without ‚Love’“ would then be „I don’t want to live without ‚Fear’“. And it’s so fascinating, because me speaking Self-Forgivenss on that Desire for ‚Love‘ and a ‚Relationship‚ I would actually come to a point, where I would fear letting go of my Desires, because I would fear being perfectly happy – perfectly happy without ‚love‘ – I Fear being happy, and living without ‚Fear‘ – WTF!
So let me now expand the point : When I fear being perfectly happy without Fear – what kind of Relationship would I pursue? A Relationship where I constantly and continuously would manipulate myself and my Partner to maintain within and as the State of Fear. Fear of losing the Relationship, fear of cheating, Jealousy etc. And isn’t it in fact the Fear of my Partner and myself actually and truely being happy?
So, what kind of Relationship do I in fact create, when I accept and allow myself Desire as a Hidden Fear to be the Foundation and my Starting Point to Create a Relationship?
The Answer is so obvious – anything or anyone that could be a threat to the Relationship of Love – actually the constant and continuous State of Fear – will be attacked, dismissed or ignored. Any Happiness and Fulfillment out of the Fear-Box will be sabotaged and destroyed.
And so any Opportunity of Self-Realisation as the Realisation of Self being self-fulfilling and perfectly happy is close to Zero. And would I really want that? A Partner that is keeping me from becoming actually perfectly happy and self-fulfilling? Desire is such a Partner, that I have accepted and allowed within and as myself – that determines and defines my State of Being, the very Foundation of myself – Fear of actually being perfectly happy without depending on something or someone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise, that the Desire for a Relationship is in fact my ‚own‘ Relationship with Fear as the Foundation of myself. And that I in fact Fear losing myself as that Foundation, not seeing, realising and understanding that it’s ME as the self-interested MIND, not wanting to find out, that there is a SELF that is self-fulfilling and perfectly happy – without FEAR.
I commit myself to support and assist myself to walk out of that Relationship within and as myself as the Fear – The Fear of being perfectly happy – and to deconstruct and re-create a New Relationship within and as myself – one that is rooted in Self-Fulfillment.
And in terms of the Desire for a Relationship of Love – I allow myself to look beyond the ‚Love‚ into the Real FEAR and consider the consequences which such a Relationship would create for myself and my Partner as myself – because I basically cheat on my Partner with that Desire as my Hidden Partner and so I would just accumulate consequence.
And so I commit myself to break-up with Desire as I realise that if I accept and allow myself ‚Fear of Standing Alone‘ to be the Foundation and my Starting Point of Creating a Relationship – I will only create a Relationship of Dependency and so enslave myself and my Partner as myself to that very FEAR of actually being happy – which I do NOT wish for myself and for my Partner as myself. I rather wish for us truely being happy and self-fulfilling — even if it is to be out of the Fear-Box called a Relationship of Love.