I am here, at the desteni farm. It’s my third visit. Each time it is …
Just recently I have seen an album of somebody I ‚feel attracted‘ to and there I saw a picture of that guy having his hand on the shoulder of a woman I don’t know. A simple picture of a simple touch, enough for myself as the Mind to create a whole scenario that triggered the Experience of ‚Jealousy‚.
I really hate that ‚emotion‘, I hate being jealous and so I have had a fight existent within and as myself throughout my Life, trying to find a Solution to Jealousy, banning it from my life-experience, get rid of it, not allowing myself to realise that what I in fact do is Suppression – and suppressing myself as the Emotion does not change anything, not the experience of myself nor my life-experience.
I have never allowed myself to realise that there is a REAL Solution to Jealousy – A solution as Myself – in simply taking self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as – and so facing Jealousy as Myself instead of suppressing it and creating all sorts of consequences as for instance relationships of dependency based on lies and manipulations.
In this blog I will walk specificly this latest experience when I saw the picture described above – because it is basically the program I allow myself to become and exist as always – the situations, beings, pictures may vary in time, I was/am still the same.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately react in Fear when I saw a picture of X touching another woman, and to believe and participate in that Fear – become it and live it out as myself, make it REAL.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in quatum time imagine what else they may have ‚done‘ and produce/generate various pictures/images within and as my Mind, and for the most – believing that those pictures are more REAL then the physical reality, and so lose myself/get lost within those pictures, not allowing myself to see, realise and understand that I could have simply asked who this woman is, if self-honestly I was really interested in getting to know how and where this picture was taken, and who the being in this picture was and what kind of ‚connection‚/relationship do they have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of being jealous and so try to hide it and suppress it, not allowing myself to realise that the Emotion I generate does not cease to exist when I suppress it, but that I simply give even more Power to it, and because of the self-dishonesty and the self-denial I am channeling myself into and as a nasty jealous ‚character‘ – manipulating myself and the other being in attempting to uphold a nice face – a surFACE, that I am apparently totally cool and ok with it, when I am in fact NOT.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise how I am sabotaging a real interaction with that guy and getting him to know as he IS – through and as my Mind – in channeling myself into and as a nasty jealous ‚character‘ – because then I will seek out and try – through manipulative, hidden ways – to find out, what this picture was about, if there are other ‚relationships‘ with other women, that could be ‚dangerous‘ to ‚our‘ relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise how I am sabotaging a real physical interaction with that guy – by superimposing the images that I create within and as my Mind on the Physical Reality and so anticipate and believe that there is a ‚threat‘ I must prevent from happening – not allowing myself to realise that what I in fact create is a consequence as a Mindfuck, that I eventually will have to face.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the answer to a Solution to Jealousy is already Here as Myself, that it is my Acceptances and Allowances of Relationships that I have created within and as myself towards myself that trigger, evolve, create, participate in the Experience of Jealousy – as Inferiority/Superiority, Comparison and Self-Judgment. Because what I basically did when I saw that picture is – I instantly in quantum time compared myself with that woman/the situation/the touch – and it was those little tiny details of that picture like for instance, their both bodies seemed to be comfortable, the touch itself seemed to be comfortable, it was a relaxed situation and so I have judged it to be ‚very intimate‘ and what I realise is that I myself have defined myself as inferior to that Comfortability in Separation of myself, and so I have judged myself as being not able to have the same Experience of Comfortability and Intimacy together with that guy, and so I became basically jealous of that Experience of Comfortability and Intimacy.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand, that the origin of myself being Jealous was already existent within and as myself as the Self-Judgment of NOT being comfortable and intimate ‚enough‚. And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that that Self-Judgment was and is an already existent relationship that I have created towards, within and as myself, because I never cared about the relationship that I have with myself as myself but only cared to fulfill myself in separation of myself within other beings.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that what I saw in the picture as Comfortability and Intimacy, without allowing myself to realise, that what I in fact saw was my own Self-Judgment (within and as my Mind) and NOT the Physical Reality – for that I could simply have asked and even had to, because I am not a ‚psychic‘ and it is like impossible to ‚contain‘ the structure and the detail of a whole relationship in one snapshot of a photograph.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand, that what I am in fact always jealous of is what I do NOT GIVE myself as myself – Self-Intimacy, Self-Care, Self-Fulfillment, Self-Comfortability etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand, that being, living and sharing Intimacy, Care, Fulfillment and Comfortablity with another being/beings is NOT about giving it in SEPARATION to each other but giving and so gifting it to SELF one and equal with all as oneself.