I am here, at the desteni farm. It’s my third visit. Each time it is …
So, recently a point opend up for me. (Obviously with Farm-Help – lol) I noticed, that I was in constant movement, a nervousness, which was obviously fear. When I looked into it, I saw that this fear was in fact a judgment, that I have created within me and as myself. The Judgment of ‚Not being busy‘, I investigated this Judgment and I saw that it is in fact the Judgment and Fear of ‚being lazy‘. So I kept myself always busy, ‚I have to do this‘, ‚I have to do that‘, ‚I must do this‘, I must do that‘, ‚I don’t have the time to do this‘, ‚I don’t have the time to do that‘ and so on… – I was existing as the Fear of ‚doing Nothing‘ and ‚Nothing‘ means nothing ‚important‘, nothing of ‚value‘.
When I look into the totality of mySelf as this Judgment, as this Fear of ‚being lazy‘ – the System itself – I have to find and alocate this point within and as the totality of my current existent beingness, which is the Mind, which means, that I have to look into my internal world/reality and into my external world/reality as myself – What is the memory and root of it ??? Where did I created relationships within and as myself within and as this specific Judgment/Fear ???
The Startingpoint of this Judgment/Fear is obviously in my childhood. In previous Blogs I have walked already the Point of ‚Cleaning‘ and my Relationship with ‚Cleaning‘, because my definition of ‚being lazy‘ is not only connected to ‚doing Nothing‘, but specifically to ‚being messy‘ – there it started. Later in my life, I have connected this ‚I am messy‘ to ‚I am lazy‘ and so the System within me and as myself developed and grew and created new Relationships, new Charakters, new Self-Definitions etc.
In this blog and the blogs to come I will face the specificity of that Judgment/Fear of ‚doing Nothing‘ and therefore keeping myself constantly busy and in Fear of being judged as ‚lazy‘.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the external ‚Judgment‘ of ‚you are lazy‘ and paste it without question into and as myself – as the self-judgment ‚I am lazy‘ – without ever allowing myself to create a relationship of oneness and equality within and as it, in terms of, really investigating the point, the judgment, and move and direct it into oneness and equality as myself, directing myself and the relationship of ‚doing nothing‘: what does ’nothing‘ mean, am I really ever doing ’nothing‘, who I am within and as this point, who I want to really be within and as it?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‚doing Nothing‘ is ‚bad‘ and ‚lazy‘, without ever allowing myself to realize that I have defined ‚Nothing‘ only in relation to the world-system/money-system – in terms of ‚NOT generating Energy/Money/Value‘, ‚NOT keeping myself busy within and as the Mind‘ – When I am existing, living and expressing myself as my physical body HERE, ‚Nothing‘ does not exist. Do I ever stop to breath? When I do – I’m dead – simple stuff.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realize, that the ‚Fear of doing Nothing‘ is in fact the ‚Fear of being Nothing/Nobody, because when I do nothing of ‚value‘, and nothing that is ‚important‘ accordingly to the definitions of ‚Nothing‘ of the world-system/money-system, I will not gain anything, I myself will have no ‚value‘ and no ‚importance‘. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the words ‚value‘ and ‚importance‘ in Separation of myself and so accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to work for it, that I have to compete to gain it, that I have to take to receive it, that I have to generate Energy to become one and equal with and as it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that if my startingpoint of ‚doing something/stuff‘ is the Fear of ‚doing nothing’/’being nothing/nobody‘, I am existing within and as a System – controlled by, through, within and as Energy – and therefore still fucking with myself, fucking my process, because at the End – my End – I will be NOT Life, standing one and equal with Life, but a System that ends, and so I as the Mind really create my End and will be really ‚Nothing‘.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that if I stop following Energy – Energy being my Motivation – I am able to in fact express myself and truely be free and self-responsible – wouldn’t be that what I have wished for myself and for all as myself – moving as Breath – breath by breath – with what is HERE – I am HERE – Life is HERE – I am Life – and direct everything as myself to what is Best for ALL Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that when I judge people/someone in my external world/reality of ‚being lazy‘ or ‚doing nothing‘ I in fact judge myself, and project myself/my internal world/reality onto other beings/my external world/reality – and therefore lock myself in – compelety – within and as this System – not being able to see direct, what’s really, really, really going on, but only existing within and as this little, tiny point of self-judgment, which is obviously self-diminishment, without ever realizing, that I am living and speaking my own death sentence, over and over and over again and so eventually will create and manifest it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Judgment and Self-Judgment is one and equal – me judging myself as all as myself and in fact an imprisonment of myself as all as myself – keeping us in the Illusion of total Separation, because apparently I can gain some value by judging others – without realizing that whatever and whenever I judge – I am in fact speaking my own death sentence – This is the Beauty of Equality.
To be continued…