I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a drama/emotional turmoil, …
When I started listen to/read the Desteni material and was introduced to the word self-honesty, I firstly thought that self-honesty means being very, very, very honest, in terms of always telling the truth – as a total opposite of ‚lying‘ or not speaking the ‚whole‘ truth, in terms of speak words that match with the expectations of others, fit into the situation, bring about the outcomes I wanted to achieve, avoid conflict etc. Later I realised that self-honesty is not at all about speaking from a subjective ‚truthful‘ point of view, but about taking responsibility for one’s own participation, one’s own ‚opinions‘, for one’s own thoughts, emotions and deeds – basically for one’s own ‚truths‘.
For example I have a friend who lately got married. My first reaction was to tell her that she is about to make a great mistake, that marriage is a ‚love/life/woman-killer‘. Being ‚honest‘ would mean that I would not try to be polite but tell her the whole ‚truth‘. I was married for 7 years, and I ’should‘ share my ‚wisdom‘ with her, and prevent from making her the same mistakes. Applying self-honesty is a completely other way to approach that situation. In self-honesty I realized that my ‚truth‘ is but an ‚opinion‘, a judgment, that I have created and defined myself accordingly. As I applied self-forgiveness on the point of believing that marriage is a mistake, I realized that I have created that judgement of ‚marriage is a great mistake‘ to not have to face myself as my ‚failure‘. It was easier for me to blame the marriage itself, instead of facing mySelf. Therefore I have created this belief/judgment that marriage is ment to fail, is a 100% mistake, so I had not to take responsibility for myself – my participation within and as the marriage – and I could also be kind of a ‚wise‘ woman with an experience of being a wife and share my ‚wisdom‘ with others – and even feel good about it, and have a justification, that my experience was not completely useless and a waste of time and so accepted and allowed my existence as a system robot.
I realize that what I lived as Honesty is not very different to being Not Honest. Both of it are based on deception and manipulation, sometimes hidden behind loyality and morality, and that ‚honesty‘ is in fact even more deceptive and manipulative – and totally self-dishonest, because one sell one’s judgments, opinions as truths, instead of taking responsibility for it – one’s own creations/participation.